Have you ever wondered...

... how would someone else do if he/she would be in your shoes? Would he/she(we'll use he from now on, just for convenience; he/she is too much work!) be any better than you. And who would he be? Anyone you know, or some stranger?!?

Truth is (at least for me) no one can fill the other's shoes. I can't imagine myself in someone else's shoes for sure. I rant, I curse, but still I am me. I won't change anything in me, but changing circumstances, I'd love to!

I digress. Just back from another one of those humiliating team meetings. How I wish I could be insulated from all the crap I get. I've managed teams myself and I've given shit to my team sometimes but I've always been most approachable and pally with my team. I used to play hard with them and I also partied hard with them. I was genuinely interested in their progress and they would certainly know me as an amiable boss(hate that word!)

Which brings me to my present state. What to do now? Things just aren't going the way they are supposed to be(leave alone "the way I want"). I said it before, I say it again, I don't deserve this.

my BAD?!?!?

So a client makes a notional loss of 0.26% on one of the investments I advised to him. He fails to see the 15% absolute gain on the other investment he's made from my advise. What does he do? He pooh poohs me and goes about redeeming the loss making investment & buys a ULIP!!!!

My bad... Right!

It's more frustrating to note that this ULIP sale comes from a colleague who has absolutely made sure his / her bancassurance targets are overhauled! And the client says I have failed to advise him properly. For the seasoned advisors who are reading this blog, here is the actual lowdown:

My suggestion to the client was Rs 3 Lacs each in Sundaram BNP Paribas Select Midcap Fund (investment horizon of 2 to 3 years) & ICICI Prudential Infrastructure Fund (at least one year; being a thematic fund). Needless to say, the cash component in the Sundaram Fund, albeit a cautious strategy meant a drain on the returns. The Infrastructure fund however, true to market movements, cashed in big time. Both investments were made in Mid January 2007 and the client actually thought I was not advising him properly because I wasn't churning the portfolio!!! Beat that.

Sometimes I wonder if my self righteousness is actually impeding my so called performance. But then, if I would start doing what every other unscrupulous advisor is doing today, I would soon quit this profession. I do what I do because I love advising clients on their money. Not because I want to win every other incentive contest at the risk of murdering my clients' portfolio. Its another matter if I qualify for a contest or two after I've done my duty for my client.

I really am worried how my work shapes up in the future. What I'm sure of is that I will always do whats right for my client in whatever profession I choose at whichever step in my professional life.

As for my client, I sincerely wish someone like me runs into him and tells him what a foolhardy decision he has made, not because then he will understand what I did for him was right, but so that he doesn't make such mistakes again.

Films I've watched recently

Just some of the films I've watched recently:

One flew over the cuckoo's nest
Beautiful, especially Jack Nicholson & the superb & haunting soundtrack. Must watch!

Taxi Driver
This one had a different kinda effect on me. I didn't really like it, but it did leave an indelible impression. De Niro is very good and again, the soundtrack, specially the background score made it a good package. Can't get over the fact how pretty Cybill Shepherd looks in this one, considering all my memories of her were from Moonlighting!

V for Vendetta
Natalie Portman is not only a stunner, she can act as well! I liked the script, reminded me of Orwell's 1984. Not bad at all! Hugo Weaving does a phenomenal job as well.

Love Story
Having read the book by Erich Segal, I wanted to see the movie adaptation. It didnt live upto expectations at all. Its a bad attempt, the only saving grace being the Love Story theme music every now & then. Everybody who's read the book would hopefully concur its a downer, the movie adaptation that is. Am waiting to lay my hands on the movie adaptation of The Fountainhead now. Just out of curiosity, to see how Howard Roark's buildings would look like on screen!!!

Cheers!

Death of a Salesman

They say I am not cut out for sales. That I do not have that fire (whatever that means). They say I work for my clients, I make investment decision solely keeping their needs in mind, which does not necessarily take the organisational needs in mind.

I say, so be it. I do not take that as criticism. Thats more like a compliment; at least I dont sleep every night with curses from clients ravaging my peace; with the thoughts of how clients' hard earned money is being put to waste.

I aint no salesman if this is what salesmen are supposed to do. And I'm sure I wont last long like this. Which brings me to the question again - What am I supposed to do?!?!?!?

Ideal Job

You might say this sounds like utopia. But what if your job was something like the first two to three months of joining a company and the last one or two months (like serving notice)?!?!!?

Thats what I call an ideal workplace life! The honeymoon never ceases...

Yes or Know

When you know they know, its best they know you know.

When they know you know, its best they know you know they know.

When you know they know you know, its best they know you know they know.

Should I beware?

Been reading a lot on how blogs have come to define their authors and how a lot of agencies track blogs to better understand a person and all. What I'm trying to say is this - recruitment agencies / job consultants etc now have another tool for their background check of a candidate - blog!

So I was just wondering if and when some recruiter does get to see what kind of emotional outbursts (mostly related to my pathetic work life) Ive been piling up on this blog; he/she will definitely have a good idea who I am and what I've been subject to. They can write me off by saying I crumble under pressure, am stressed out, cannot work under chaos, am unsettled etc. Which is true for most of us, right? Its just that I use this blog as a famed punching doll, to vent out my frustrations and to bare all my work life emotions in front of everybody at the risk of appearing weak & vulnerable.
So be it.

I have been giving serious thought to go see a career counsellor and find out what I'm really supposed to do with my life. The resolve is stronger with support from Sid, who claims he is in the same boat as me. Of course he is still single which makes him much less of a competition when it comes to finding a true calling; i mean he still has time, lots of it! There are times when I think all my creative juices & sense of humour etc have dried up in this never ending quest for that one more sale, that push for incremental target achievement and all that crap at work. I mean I wanted to be in media & advertising for god sake!! What the hell am I doing here in a BANK!?!?! And then there are times when I get my pay cheque and am led into believing I am bound to this life, this ever repeating sequence of 24 hours every day rut in which I am just rotting. I've heard a lot from a lot of people that this shit happens to all of us, and one gets out of this eventually but frankly this has taken so long with me I think I will remain in this forever.

Toota Sanganak

Thats devnagari for a broken computer. Its been more than 3 long days since I used my PC - its broken. Lots of things which seem wrong with it. All I hope is the data remain intact. You know, with all those endless searches on the world wide web trying to fill up my 80 GB SATA, I won't wanna lose out on any of that.

Pakistan is going to fight it out with the Windies tonight (at least here in India) for the opening match of the 2007 World Cup. The timing couldn't have been better - matches start around 7 p.m.!!!! I guess a DTH service on a new LCD / Plasma TV would well be worth it, wotsay? Aaah, if only chlorophyll had monetary value!

Have you ever had this feeling when you are blogging and dont knwo what to write? I have this now. So..... what should we write here....... ummmm..... how do I fill up this window with characters..... erm.... well, yea... cigarettes prices have increased in Indi after the Budget. The once Rs 2/stick Wills Navy Cut is now Rs 3!! Benson Hedges Lights is still an afordable Rs 4/stick.

Have I lost it yet? What else...hmmmm.... ,..

In my spare time I like making models on personal investing, trading strategies, financial goal mapping, financial plans , investments plans etcetera.
One of these which I'm trying to use myself and tweak it regularly is what I call the 10% trading strategy. It addresses 3 different scenarios basically with my supposed market reactions and what the investor (me in this case) can go about doing. As you can see its still primitive and the various permutations / combinations can be dizzying, but for simplicity this is how I would go about. Here it is:


Needless to say it does not take into account the vagaries of the markets in entirety. What this manages to achieve though, is the fact that trading demands consistency and careful monitoring with Stop Losses. After all, if it was easy, everybody would have been minting money by trading on the markets.

Random

Selling with passion - that was the topic of a training I attended yesterday. It was mostly global gyaan, with a few sales closes, the process etc thrown in. Not bad, but not very good either. Kunal recently suggested a career move - out of banking, id est. Come to think of it, its no big deal for me what with this being my 3rd job in as many years! Another change... well, lets see. Apparently the fact that I have an IT degree apart from the quintissential MBA may just help me get that. Fancy titles, though - Consultant / Analyst etc. Having thought about it and after discussing over it, I guess why not. But before that, let me do all I haven't done while I've been here in banking. Let me go about ruthless, persevering selling to the hilt before taking a bow, if at all!

No, no, no. I haven't decided to move on, its just a thought, a very interesting one at that. So I'm embarking on doing just that. Give me a week and I will update you with how it went. And all this while I thought I was an advisor...

Well, come back (or Welcome Back)

...after all, its your own blog, your puching doll. So I'm back at doing what I am best known to..on this blog, that is. WHINING!

There are different kinds of pressures but I would like to demarcate them into two broadly. One is when you dont have the stuff and are expected to deliver/succeed nonetheless.

The second is when you are provided with the stuff, and you TAKE on pressure yourself so that it doesnt come to you later. Does this make sense at all? I think it does...

I have been plagued with pressures throughout my life, yes sir, I'm a regular pressure cooker. So what if it doesnt show; I'm adept at masking. Presently I'm stuck with the 2nd kind of pressure which has a judicious mix of the 1st one but mostly its pressure nonetheless. Needless to say I hate it. Just for update sake, I've been bumped off to a suburban branch from the Central office where I started working here. Good, bad I don't know. But it sure sucks. Its like joining a new company altogether. Completely new people, hostility, suspicion gets the better of you soon. It has, actually. That is why I feel so "at ease" when Im here in the Central office. As if I'm home. You remember the rut I used to write about? Its the same here. Thats how my career seems to be moving as well(not moving as in moving forward). My first job was at CP, 2nd at Noida, 3rd again at CP and in the middle of this one I have been bumped off again to Noida!!!

Some positives though, my wife's started working again; she had quit when I quit ICICI in June 2006 and has been selective in accepting offers subsequently. But I guess frustration got the better of her and she landed up doing a 10 to 7 in Gurgaon!!! Yippeeee we are DINKS now.

You know what, I don't feel like blogging now, will be back later.

?!,.

Question mark? Exclaimation mark! Comma, Full Stop. Grammar punctuates the language; and questions, exclaimations and commas punctuate life ending irrevocably in a FULL Stop. No its not even a "period". Its the end. No coming back (unless you believe in the after-life).

And so life goes...

And so I digress. I am not religious, leave alone being spiritual. But the quest for the unknown which ravage my thoughts literally have no meaning. I won't say I am unhappy. But this state isn't the same as being happy. Does everyone go through this? I'd think yes, barring circumstances, but then what do you do about it? Everyone is trying to make a living, how / doing what / with what are probably the many differentiators which dot the life and make the living while at it (living, that is).

At the time of pouring these thoughts over this blog, a million thoughts race my mind, plus the odd voices of those around me. A bedlam; a mishmash of a multitude of voices. I know my life is better than many; and I'm not even complaining that a lot of others have lives better than mine, but the fact is my life isn't good enough for me. Lets face it. A directionless, demotivated, weary individual would tend to think along the same lines. By the way, isn't this a rehash of what I've been posting over the Aryan Expedition off late? But isn't this right if this is true? I mean rambling along similar lines over and over again do mean that something is wrong after all. But who am I trying to prove this? No one. This is for me. I wonder how I'd feel five, maybe even two years down the line reading these posts. Will it be any better? Or will I have gone down under. Questions! (with the exclaimation mark suffixed) Them punctuations...

Idle mind

is the devil's workshop. You think (actually you don't think; you have thoughts) about completely inane things and dont know what to do. That is the state I am in right now. Fuck man, is there no order in life at all? You wake up in the morning half realising its another start to 24 hours of shit; and the thought petrifies you. This horror is something like when you had your Board Exams and you were shit scared about it, cause it really mattered to do well. Voila! Thats it - I want to do well. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself; might as well be that times are shitty right now. Can't do anything about it. Why the hell is it always supposed to happen to me? Those who point fingers would do well to know that I play to win; everybody plays to win, don't we? Its another matter that if there were no losers (no pun!) winning wouldn't have been worthwhile. Oh sweet success! Where art though?

Sometimes I wish I could wish. And the wish'll come true. No horses now, no riding. The fact is I am no worse than the people around me if not better. So how come I bloody mess up whatever I do? Actually I don't even get the friggin opportunity to mess things up; things are just not happening. If my ass got saved this time, what is the bloody guarantee it won't be whipped next time? Or is it that I've turned too whiny? Or too complaining. Nah, can't be. I cannot be compared to myself 3, even 5 years ago. Those were grand days. Bereft of hassles, full of life itself. Why the hell have times changed for the worse now? Is this a rut I've gotten into myself? Will I ever come out of it if this is actually a rut? When?m was How? Am I the average pretentious banker?!? A banker! you may think. This noob is a banker!!!?! Yes I am one and like to be called one. Another matter that I suck at it BIIIG time; at least my numbers seem to suggest so. When will my million dollar (even a million rupees will do at this point of time) come my way?!?!?!

You know most films you like do not deal with the mundane vagaries of everyday life. They play to a theme, a plot, a specific set of audience; well most of them. I wonder therefore what did Joel Barish do most of the time when he wasn't with Clementine or thinking about her? Can I be a Howard Roark ever? I know Roark was practical, but is being Roark practical? I'd say more idealist than practical; but hey, who am I fooling? I lived Roark while reading the Fountainhead and thought identifying with him was the closest to living him out. How about Holden Caulfield for that matter? If only fiction could have been more factual! Just had the hunger pang. Gotta have some nourishment now. How bloody predictable of me! Just when I actually got thinking, hunger strikes me...

Very soon..

I will battle it out with the villains. 1800 IST to be precise. Hell hath no fury I tell you. Even though I am in the pits and diffidence just feels like one of my nick names, I am pestering myself to stay determined! To fight it out. Wait for the gory details once I'm through.

HERE I COME

No friggin title. Why the hell is every friggin post supposed to have a friggin title?!?!

Am so goddamn furious now I couldn't help it. I have nothing else to do but write aimlessly. I do admit that I am looking out for those silly grammatical errors and typos, but on the whole this is gonna be one helluva outburst.

This is my bloody blog and I write whatever I want to, right? Who the hell do you think you are saying right (or wrong)? I was asking myself. Right then. When the going gets tough, the tough...bull crap. Even if I'm not tough, I will get going (pun intended again). As I mentioned in the earlier post, the juices have all dried up. There is really no fun nowadays. I am not that shallow or weak, mind you, but I have my defenses, and I am entitled to whine once in a while. Why the hell do I have to portray calm always? I do whatever I want to and that applies to everything. What was that word.... Calling, yeah. What the hell is my true calling? Am I supposed to do this forever? Is there something else I am somehow missing out? Where is my square hole? When will I fit in? These are not your average distress questions one asks dear lord. People who know me know I'm an atheist, an agnostic, take your pick. Why don't we get sunshine in winters and cool winds in summers? Why didn't I have the money when I needed and why don't I have the time now when I need it so goddamn much? Why am I always left wanting? Am I demanding? So be it, I AM demanding. I want my time, I want my way, I want my sunshine and I want a goddamn break.

Life's a bitch...

...and then you die! The lyrics from NAS couldn't be more pertinent at this juncture of my wasted life. Some would argue that this is taking it a bit too far. But how do you explain a life full of situations and circumstances which make one nothing but a gross misfit?!?!

I know times change; and so do situations; but how about a rut? Stagnation anyone?!? Life's been real unkind to a lot of people for a lot of different reasons. I have mine. And I am one of those who have been handed a raw deal. Lets put it this way, Ive had no deal (pun intended). Forever waiting for the right opportune moment, rueing what one has and what one has BEEN THROUGH is not the way, right? Perhaps I make no sense here; maybe I'm being a bit too hard on myself but the stark truth is I have not found the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing. And who am I doing all this for anyway? Why am I doing stuff? Whats it gonna get me? Whats it gonna get me to? Searching for answers, I puff my way to glory...

What am I really doing here I don't know. What?

Somewhere over the rainbow

Thats the name of this song by which has gotten into my head and I keep on listening to it day in and day out. I heard this song a week ago while driving down to work in the morning. And in case you haven't heard it, please do so; it has that calming, happy and bright feel to it and I love the melody.

The version I am talking about is by the late Hawaiian singer Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. To find out more about this song, go here:

Go here to know more about Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.

If I could turn back time!

Most people would do this or that only if they could turn back time. One of the few thoughts that race my mind almost everyday when I look at the equity markets quotes is... If only I could turn back time, I could have bought XYZ or ABC or whatever... only if...

Am back after a longish weekend break aided by these holidays - Dussehra, Gandhi Jayanti (Dry day!) etc. A new month has started even before I could take in the ignominy of having not performed well in September (my birth month!!). Hopelessly want October to work out the way I want otherwise the Diwali will be nothing more than Diwala for me. Lots of my CBS mates are expected to converge in Delhi over the end of this month. It will be fun I think to meet up with all after such a long time. Reunions are surely in the air. I have my Somaiya Alumni Meet on 14th October in Mumbai (how I wish I could go there! damn airfares); CBS Alumni is happening this Sunday here in New Delhi; and so on.

Updates

Venky says "kuchh update kar bhai" so be it.

As far as updates are concerned, I'm back in the quagmire of business / dhanda / paisa - whatever you wanna call it. The only problem is that this dhanda isn't happening only!!

Call it my misfortune or whatever, but the word TARGETS has alwayas had a tendency to bully me! Not that I get cowed down by them; just that I never fully measure upto them (the targets, that is).

Had my birthday last week; got my share of birthday wishes - on the phone, e-mails, on orkut etc. Come to think of it; it really is no big deal, right? Once a year you celebrate to mark the day you were born; thats it!

And I hate working now; not that I don't like my work (these are 2 different things); just that I don't wanna work at all. I do enjoy my work and I respect my profession. I don't know what I'm saying; but maybe this is not my true calling! All my creative juices and vellapanti have dried (a certain applewala will surely vouch for that)

Have been watching some movies lately. Just finished 12 Angry Men with excellent performances from an all male cast! Some of the others I have recently seen and enjoyed:

Fight Club The hindi version is such a dud, man!
American Beauty (watched again ; the first time was in CBS days... sigh!)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind one of the few romantic movies I loved! And Jim Carrey is a very under rated actor

So much for an update, right?

Google - Search engine

Try a google search with the keyword - search engine and the first result will be www.google.com
Right?
Wrong.
Try doing that and see for yourself!!!