Friday, October 27, 2006


Question mark? Exclaimation mark! Comma, Full Stop. Grammar punctuates the language; and questions, exclaimations and commas punctuate life ending irrevocably in a FULL Stop. No its not even a "period". Its the end. No coming back (unless you believe in the after-life).

And so life goes...

And so I digress. I am not religious, leave alone being spiritual. But the quest for the unknown which ravage my thoughts literally have no meaning. I won't say I am unhappy. But this state isn't the same as being happy. Does everyone go through this? I'd think yes, barring circumstances, but then what do you do about it? Everyone is trying to make a living, how / doing what / with what are probably the many differentiators which dot the life and make the living while at it (living, that is).

At the time of pouring these thoughts over this blog, a million thoughts race my mind, plus the odd voices of those around me. A bedlam; a mishmash of a multitude of voices. I know my life is better than many; and I'm not even complaining that a lot of others have lives better than mine, but the fact is my life isn't good enough for me. Lets face it. A directionless, demotivated, weary individual would tend to think along the same lines. By the way, isn't this a rehash of what I've been posting over the Aryan Expedition off late? But isn't this right if this is true? I mean rambling along similar lines over and over again do mean that something is wrong after all. But who am I trying to prove this? No one. This is for me. I wonder how I'd feel five, maybe even two years down the line reading these posts. Will it be any better? Or will I have gone down under. Questions! (with the exclaimation mark suffixed) Them punctuations...

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Idle mind

is the devil's workshop. You think (actually you don't think; you have thoughts) about completely inane things and dont know what to do. That is the state I am in right now. Fuck man, is there no order in life at all? You wake up in the morning half realising its another start to 24 hours of shit; and the thought petrifies you. This horror is something like when you had your Board Exams and you were shit scared about it, cause it really mattered to do well. Voila! Thats it - I want to do well. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself; might as well be that times are shitty right now. Can't do anything about it. Why the hell is it always supposed to happen to me? Those who point fingers would do well to know that I play to win; everybody plays to win, don't we? Its another matter that if there were no losers (no pun!) winning wouldn't have been worthwhile. Oh sweet success! Where art though?
Sometimes I wish I could wish. And the wish'll come true. No horses now, no riding. The fact is I am no worse than the people around me if not better. So how come I bloody mess up whatever I do? Actually I don't even get the friggin opportunity to mess things up; things are just not happening. If my ass got saved this time, what is the bloody guarantee it won't be whipped next time? Or is it that I've turned too whiny? Or too complaining. Nah, can't be. I cannot be compared to myself 3, even 5 years ago. Those were grand days. Bereft of hassles, full of life itself. Why the hell have times changed for the worse now? Is this a rut I've gotten into myself? Will I ever come out of it if this is actually a rut? When?m was How? Am I the average pretentious banker?!? A banker! you may think. This noob is a banker!!!?! Yes I am one and like to be called one. Another matter that I suck at it BIIIG time; at least my numbers seem to suggest so. When will my million dollar (even a million rupees will do at this point of time) come my way?!?!?!
You know most films you like do not deal with the mundane vagaries of everyday life. They play to a theme, a plot, a specific set of audience; well most of them. I wonder therefore what did Joel Barish do most of the time when he wasn't with Clementine or thinking about her? Can I be a Howard Roark ever? I know Roark was practical, but is being Roark practical? I'd say more idealist than practical; but hey, who am I fooling? I lived Roark while reading the Fountainhead and thought identifying with him was the closest to living him out. How about Holden Caulfield for that matter? If only fiction could have been more factual! Just had the hunger pang. Gotta have some nourishment now. How bloody predictable of me! Just when I actually got thinking, hunger strikes me...

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Very soon..

I will battle it out with the villains. 1800 IST to be precise. Hell hath no fury I tell you. Even though I am in the pits and diffidence just feels like one of my nick names, I am pestering myself to stay determined! To fight it out. Wait for the gory details once I'm through.


Wednesday, October 04, 2006

No friggin title. Why the hell is every friggin post supposed to have a friggin title?!?!

Am so goddamn furious now I couldn't help it. I have nothing else to do but write aimlessly. I do admit that I am looking out for those silly grammatical errors and typos, but on the whole this is gonna be one helluva outburst.

This is my bloody blog and I write whatever I want to, right? Who the hell do you think you are saying right (or wrong)? I was asking myself. Right then. When the going gets tough, the tough...bull crap. Even if I'm not tough, I will get going (pun intended again). As I mentioned in the earlier post, the juices have all dried up. There is really no fun nowadays. I am not that shallow or weak, mind you, but I have my defenses, and I am entitled to whine once in a while. Why the hell do I have to portray calm always? I do whatever I want to and that applies to everything. What was that word.... Calling, yeah. What the hell is my true calling? Am I supposed to do this forever? Is there something else I am somehow missing out? Where is my square hole? When will I fit in? These are not your average distress questions one asks dear lord. People who know me know I'm an atheist, an agnostic, take your pick. Why don't we get sunshine in winters and cool winds in summers? Why didn't I have the money when I needed and why don't I have the time now when I need it so goddamn much? Why am I always left wanting? Am I demanding? So be it, I AM demanding. I want my time, I want my way, I want my sunshine and I want a goddamn break.

Life's a bitch...

...and then you die! The lyrics from NAS couldn't be more pertinent at this juncture of my wasted life. Some would argue that this is taking it a bit too far. But how do you explain a life full of situations and circumstances which make one nothing but a gross misfit?!?!

I know times change; and so do situations; but how about a rut? Stagnation anyone?!? Life's been real unkind to a lot of people for a lot of different reasons. I have mine. And I am one of those who have been handed a raw deal. Lets put it this way, Ive had no deal (pun intended). Forever waiting for the right opportune moment, rueing what one has and what one has BEEN THROUGH is not the way, right? Perhaps I make no sense here; maybe I'm being a bit too hard on myself but the stark truth is I have not found the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing. And who am I doing all this for anyway? Why am I doing stuff? Whats it gonna get me? Whats it gonna get me to? Searching for answers, I puff my way to glory...

What am I really doing here I don't know. What?

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Somewhere over the rainbow

Thats the name of this song by which has gotten into my head and I keep on listening to it day in and day out. I heard this song a week ago while driving down to work in the morning. And in case you haven't heard it, please do so; it has that calming, happy and bright feel to it and I love the melody.

The version I am talking about is by the late Hawaiian singer Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. To find out more about this song, go here:

Go here to know more about Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.

If I could turn back time!

Most people would do this or that only if they could turn back time. One of the few thoughts that race my mind almost everyday when I look at the equity markets quotes is... If only I could turn back time, I could have bought XYZ or ABC or whatever... only if...

Am back after a longish weekend break aided by these holidays - Dussehra, Gandhi Jayanti (Dry day!) etc. A new month has started even before I could take in the ignominy of having not performed well in September (my birth month!!). Hopelessly want October to work out the way I want otherwise the Diwali will be nothing more than Diwala for me. Lots of my CBS mates are expected to converge in Delhi over the end of this month. It will be fun I think to meet up with all after such a long time. Reunions are surely in the air. I have my Somaiya Alumni Meet on 14th October in Mumbai (how I wish I could go there! damn airfares); CBS Alumni is happening this Sunday here in New Delhi; and so on.